How Do I Help My Teenager with Social Anxiety?

Does your teen dread going to school events? Do they text instead of calling to order a pizza, or beg you to talk to the cashier for them? Maybe they used to love hanging out with friends, and now they'd rather stay in their room.

If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Social anxiety is one of the most common struggles teens face today.

My story

I know this one personally. We moved every few years because my dad was in the military, and every move meant being the new kid again.  But honestly even if I lived in that town the previous year, every school year felt scary. Maybe because I dealt with bullies in elementary and middle school. And in high school, my mom was very strict. I know she loved me, but I wasn't allowed to go out with friends, work, or even babysit. I have no memories of hanging out at the mall or going to the movies with other kids.

Oh my goodness, with the anxiety that built up during those years, I didn't have a chance to practice being social, so every social situation felt huge and scary. Part of that anxiety came from having really low self esteem. Parents don't often realize this, but letting their kids make their own choices, even if that means they're going to fail at something is something that can build confidence. And this can help alleviate a ton of anxiety. That anxiety followed me for a long time, and it's a big reason I became a teen coach. I want to be the adult I needed back then.

Shy or social anxiety?

Being shy and having social anxiety aren't the same thing. A shy teen might be quiet at first but warms up. A teen with social anxiety has an intense fear of being judged, embarrassed, or doing something "wrong" in front of others. That fear is strong enough that they start avoiding things they actually want to do.

Some signs to watch for:

• Avoiding parties, sports, clubs, or even class presentations

• Stomachaches or headaches before school or social events

• Worrying for days before something social happens

• Replaying conversations afterward and feeling embarrassed

• Refusing to order food, make phone calls, or ask a teacher for help
  

What helps (and what doesn't)

Listen first. When your teen opens up, resist the urge to jump in with advice right away. Ask, "Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?" Sometimes they just need to feel heard.This is honestly one of the most important questions a parent can ask their teens.

Don't brush it off. Saying "Just relax" or "Nobody's even looking at you" might feel reassuring to us, but to a teen it can feel like they're not being taken seriously. Try something like, "That sounds really hard. It makes sense you'd feel nervous."

Be careful about rescuing. This one is hard for us as parents. When our kids are uncomfortable, we want to fix it. So we order for them, let them skip the event, or call the teacher ourselves. Research shows that when parents keep stepping in to help kids avoid what scares them, the anxiety usually gets stronger, not weaker. Avoidance teaches the brain, "See? That really was dangerous."

Take small steps. Instead of avoiding, help your teen face things a little at a time. Maybe that's ordering their own drink this week, and saying hi to one classmate next week. Small wins build confidence, and confidence makes the next step easier. But remember it’s about 1% progress and not 100% perfection.

Show confidence in them. Let your teen know you believe they can handle hard things. Something as simple as "I know this feels scary, and I know you can do it" goes a long way.

Model it yourself. Our kids watch how we handle our own nervous moments. Talk out loud about something that made you anxious and what you did anyway. But to reiterate, this comes after you listen first.

When to get more help

Everyone feels nervous sometimes, and that's normal. But if your teen's anxiety is keeping them from going to school, making friends, or doing things they used to enjoy, or if it's been going on for months, it's time to talk with their doctor or a licensed therapist. Coaching can be a great support for building confidence and skills, and it works best once your teen is steady enough to put those skills into practice. Start with a counselor or therapist. Coaching can come alongside or after. And if your teen ever talks about hurting themselves, don't wait. Call or text 988 or get help right away.  

Bottom line

Social anxiety can feel so big, for your teen and for you. But with patience, encouragement, and small steps, teens can learn that they're stronger than their fears. And the connection you build by listening and believing in them will matter more than any perfect words you say. You've got this.

Research for this article came from:

The SPACE program; Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.                 https://www.spacetreatment.net/.

Yale News article: https://news.yale.edu/2019/03/12/new-way-combat-childhood-anxiety-treat-parents Image by Magnific